Lokahi Foundation: Domestic abuse survivor starts organisation to help other women like her

Statistics on domestic violence against women in Australia paint a scary picture. Consider this: 1 in 3 Australian women have experienced physical violence since the age of 15; 1 in 5 have experienced sexual abuse, and 1 in 6 have suffered physical or sexual violence by a current or former partner. Also, Australian women are nearly three times more likely than men to experience violence from an intimate partner. 

This growing incidence of violence against women by their partners persuaded 37-year-old Rachael Natoli to start her not-for-profit Lokahi Foundation. A domestic violence survivor herself, Rachael knew from personal experience the gaps that plague the current support systems and through her foundation hopes to aid and strengthen these avenues of help for other survivors.  

Lokahi focuses mainly on case management to ensure that domestic abuse survivors are offered ongoing support without time limit to regain their independence and freedom. Their experienced caseworkers deliver continuous support, not getting tied down by location - a feature of the current system.

TAL caught up with the mother of twins to learn more about her personal story of survival, the inspiration behind Lokahi, and how she encourages women to watch out for red flags in relationships.

Before we begin, please tell us a bit about yourself. 

I was born in Cheshire in England in 1981; lived there till I was three then moved to Milton Keynes, about an hour or so outside London. Then went back to Cheshire when I was 12. At 18, I went to University at Leeds and at 26 moved to Sydney.  

I was a primary school teacher in the UK; then taught and nannied here until I had my children. I'm 37 now, (38 in November). My children are my main hobby - I have a set of six-year-old twin boys! Outside Lokahi and my boys, I don't have much time for anything else. However, I do love movies, thoroughly enjoy binging on Netflix, walking, eating out (I'm a terrible cook) and am incredibly passionate about my team, Sydney Roosters. 

My boys are the loves of my life - I always wanted to be a Mother (although preferably to one girl, not two boys) but I love them to bits! They drive me mad, and I rarely sit still when they're awake, but we are extremely close. They are smart, kind, loyal, loving boys who are well-versed in gender equality. I couldn’t be prouder of them!  

You are a survivor of domestic abuse yourself. Please don’t mind me asking this; but could you tell us a little about your experience and how did you manage to free yourself from the violence? What inspired and gave you the courage to do so?   

I was in an abusive relationship for almost eight years. The abuse took on many forms -  physical, emotional, verbal, sexual and financial. I became a shadow of my former self. Although I left my partner once before we were married, and before we had children, he quickly wormed his way back in through manipulation and control. It was the toughest time of my life, and after I finally left for good, he continued his abuse through systematic abuse. However, the sense of freedom I felt from leaving him outweighed any more damage he tried to do. 

It took me a long time to get to the point where I could finally leave. When I speak about domestic abuse, I always talk about building blocks - that every part of what happens to you in an abusive relationship adds up, hoping that one day enough will add up giving you the strength and courage to walk out and stay away.

I was almost ready to leave two months before I actually did. I spoke to the police about a physical incident then, but they were supportive of the fact that I wasn't ready to make a statement and leave the relationship. Then in April 2015, there was the final physical assault. I made a statement, an Apprehended Domestic Violence Order (ADVO) was taken out, and he was convicted of assault occasioning actual bodily harm. 

My children inspired me to leave. That afternoon, I had been dragged around the room by my hair, and as I sat in front of my wardrobe that evening brushing my matted hair, it fell out in clumps. It finally hit me that one day his behaviour might put me in a hospital, or worse, and then who would look after my boys? I didn't want them growing up thinking this type of behaviour was normal. Also, I realised he was never going to change. 

Initially, to get away from your abusive partner, what channels did you seek help from? How did you manage to get back on your feet? During this phase, what gaps in the existing resources for domestic abuse victims did you notice that prompted you to start Lokahi Foundation? 

When I was almost ready to leave, and I had spoken to the police but not made a statement; I was put in touch with a local domestic violence service and assigned a caseworker. I met with her and knew she was ready to support me when I left. Other than friends, I had very little additional support. 

When I left, I applied for Start Safely from Housing NSW, an initiative that supports women and children leaving abusive households to rent privately by providing rental assistance. Emotionally, I drew strength from the fact that I was free and no longer under his control.   

One huge gap that personally became evident to me was that when I moved from Eastern Suburbs of Sydney to Southern Sydney, I was told my caseworker could no longer work with me because of the location change. I had to find another one from a local service. I was quite strong, but it was traumatising and exhausting to re-tell my story and trust someone new. Also, it is hard to recall every detail during such a crisis period. I am fortunate to have some amazing friends who were there for us during that time. However, my former caseworker and I didn't follow the rules, and even though I had moved, she continued to stay in touch, offering support whenever I needed it.   

How did you start Lokahi Foundation, please tell us about its trajectory? And, what does the term Lokahi mean?  

Once we had settled into our new home and started our life, afresh and safe, I knew I wanted to do something to help other women in similar situations. I considered becoming a family lawyer, but my boys were only two years old at the time and all my family was in England, so it was going to be tough.

Throughout this ordeal, I had a fantastic caseworker, and I began thinking what if everyone had a support system like mine – a person who will be there from the start, providing support and guidance at every level, and help in crises by providing knowledge about the services available. If that were the case, I thought, the statistic that says women leave abusive partners at least seven times before finally leaving them would be lowered; as they wouldn’t go back again if they had a strong support network.  

I also wanted to ensure the support a domestic abuse survivor was getting would stay intact even if they moved locations for whatever reason. Of course the support would be there as long as they needed it, but a minimum of two to three years would help empower those survivors to reclaim their lives. In the current system, the norm is to support women and children for six to 12 months – which is crucial – but then it stops; while their needs don’t.

Once I knew what I wanted to do, I spent ages trying to think of a name that would represent my ideals and goals; and then I came across Lokahi. Lokahi is Hawaiian for unity and harmony. It was the perfect name for me because it represented the unity of working with other agencies and organisations, and the harmony we wanted to bring to the women and children trying to flee domestic violence. Once I had a name, I registered as a charity, set up a board and the work began. 

What tools do you employ to help domestic abuse victims that come to you for support?   

As we are a start-up, we are in the process of employing our first caseworkers, which we hope to have onboard by the end of this year/beginning of next. It has been a long journey till here. I've spent three years building our reputation, learning, advocating and working with others and developing relationships but that was important to me. I wanted Lokahi to last so we had to get everything in place first - our team, our policies, etc.

We ran some empowerment courses and received positive feedback. So, we are due to run some more early next year. The women felt so empowered when they had completed the course! We also want to help survivors find financial independence; since the Eastern Suburbs (our initial area) is an affluent location and a lot of the domestic abuse that occurs here is emotional and financial. Long-term we want to support women back into employment or training/education.

Reports state that one in six Australian women have been abused by a current or a former partner. As a social worker who works closely in this field, what factors do you think contribute to the rising rates of domestic abuse among Australians?  

I am not a social worker, but I think the statistic is 1 in 4 which is equally horrifying. Moreover, the numbers are not decreasing! I believe the saying that "not all disrespect ends in violence, but all violence starts with disrespect" is so true. Rising rates are caused by disrespect, gender inequality and by someone choosing violence. Violence and abuse are choices that are being made by a perpetrator against their victim. There's no other excuse for it. I also believe very strongly that we need to do more to teach young children about respectful relationships and gender inequality. For instance, in our house, there is no such thing as a "girl's toy"! 

One in 16 men are also victims of domestic violence. Do you have men seeking help from the foundation? Or, do you find them hesitant to discuss domestic abuse when it happens to them? 

We only offer support to women and children, not to men, but there are support services out there for men. Yes, they are victims of domestic abuse too, and that shouldn't be dismissed. I think some men do struggle to speak out, but I also think some men want to claim that there are as many male victims as females, and I do not believe that to be true - nor do the statistics!  

Many women who have been abused return to their partners. How does Lokahi Foundation factor in this scenario in its solutions? Have you come across cases where a victim is adamant about returning to their partner? In such circumstances, how do you help them?   

I believe that having consistent support in the form of a caseworker will reduce the number of women returning to their abusive partners, but that doesn't mean it will be easy for them. We all like what we know – the comfort of familiarity – or at least, we learn to live with it. The sad reality is that the abuse often escalates when women leave. And, though they are being manipulated and controlled, they usually still love their partner despite the violence; it's tough to understand unless you have been through it.  

In situations where a woman chooses to return, that is their choice. Whenever I am asked for advice from family or friends on how to deal with that situation, I make it clear that all we can do is be there for them. We don't have the right to judge - and those that do will find the victim withdrawing. It's hard enough for a woman to reach out, or seek help, so they need to be assured that their support person will be there for them no matter what their decision will be. That way, we can encourage them to try again till they conjure up the courage to leave for good.

What challenges have you faced and continue to face in creating and sustaining such an organisation? 

There have been quite a few along the way. Initially, it was hard to establish Lokahi and I also found some other organisations quite patronising towards me. However, the biggest challenge has been and continues to be finding funding.  

We were extremely blessed that Dave Sharma (Member for Wentworth) secured some funding for us this year to help us get started, but we still need a lot more to continue to grow and help as many women as we can.

What advice would you give to young women and men out there suffering abuse but are scared to seek help? 

That as hard as it is, life is so much better when you are out of an abusive relationship. It doesn't mean it will be easy or that there won't be challenges ahead, but there's plenty of support available. You don't have to stay - it is rare for perpetrators to change.  

What according to you are the red flags in a relationship that one should be aware of?  

There are so many, it is almost impossible to list them. I think you need to feel secure in a relationship and if you think you can't ask questions or get shut down if you do, that's a huge red flag! I have my own experience of love bombing, so again, that's a red flag to me, and one of the harder ones to see as you get caught up in it all. 

Generally, though, I think if your partner is putting you down, controlling you in any way, or you feel scared or threatened - those are all red flags. 

How do you think the larger society can help victims of domestic abuse?

I think we are becoming more aware of domestic abuse as a society, and are learning more about emotional and financial, rather than just physical abuse. But there’s still a long way to go. We need to get more vocal about domestic abuse, giving victims more chances to speak out and seek help. That's why I started Lokahi - if you knew you will be well-supported if you left your abusive relationship, you'd be much more likely to leave. 

What are the plans for the future for Lokahi Foundation?  

Expansion! I want us to have caseworkers all over the state and country. There is no doubt about how much of a need there is for high-level, ongoing and consistent support for victim-survivors. I also think being led by a survivor gives us a unique standing. I've lived in a shelter, had five different homes in seven weeks with twins in tow, and have used so many of the services that exist so I know what works and what doesn't. I understand what many of these women are going through. Having one person they can rely on would dramatically reduce the re-traumatisation that occurs in the existing systems and hopefully encourage more women facing domestic violence to leave sooner and stay out!

To connect with Lokahi Foundation, follow them on Facebook and Instagram.

If you need help, or know someone who does, contact https://www.1800respect.org.au/.